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The Glory of Velveeta

Jan 26, 2008
2 comments

On Sundays during the football seasons of my childhood, the special treat was queso. I would eat it for hours, somewhat careful to not drip cheese on the book I was reading in lieu of watching the game and constantly having to reheat after it inevitably hardened into an unnatural semi-solid state of goo.

Undoubtedly language savvy reader that you are, you may wonder "cheese" in Spanish held special meaning.

This is where things get deceptive. Technically, I suppose, the dish is chile con queso, though for years when I read it on menus I assumed the cook was just adding a can of Hormel's to the mix, and it is not made with "real" cheese.

But queso, a Texas shorthand, is a higher form of art. It is a block of processed cheese (plain Velveeta - no need to get the spicy stuff). It is canned Rotel tomatoes (specifically Rotel. Not fresh. Not Del Monte. Not some authentic salsa. Only Rotel). Put these together in a microwave, stir. And that is all--get fancy about it, and the process will only cause you pain. (another displaced Texan has a great ode to Rotel on her site).

I once tried to make it with "real" cheese - the result was grainy. Used a slow cooker - too slow, dish dropped in frustration, hot cheese on feet and floor. Fresh ingredients - no flavor. Go with tradition, guests will be wowed. Somehow these two ingredients surpass other "cheese dips" (heresy) or anything approaching authentic.

I actually do love "normal" cheese, a state brought on by my French host family forcing it on me every meal (same child that gagged at double cheese pizza), but the temptation to use Velveeta is sometimes too strong to resist. Velveeta is, technically, "cheese product," as mandated by the FDA. Superficially, this sounds like a collective vat of waste from real cheeses, all drained down a cheese-only sewer (how's that for imagery). It was actually made by a Swiss gentleman, apparently tired of cheese with holes and preferring cheese that could live through nuclear holocaust. The final product is less than 51% cheese. Draw your own conclusions, but just easier to accept that it's made of cheese and goodness.

R and I have used it recently in macaroni and cheese (we were out of the Kraft boxes) with mild success--a little gummy and sticky--and in a genius combination with black beans and taquitos. It feels like cheating. I buy it only on rare occasions, partially because it is never where you might expect it at the grocery store (just on a shelf), and usually to augment major sporting events I never watch. I hide it at the back of my refrigerator (where it doesn't need to be, but makes you feel a little more normal).